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11:37 p.m. - 2003-02-13 After a few unsuccessful dates with other girls, which I told her about at length, she bugged me about going out. Not as a date, she promised, but as friends. I wavered, thinking that I've heard the "just as friends" line before from other girls, but everyone knows it's a date without the label. A few weekends went by where I lied and told her I was busy, then finally something snapped in me and I agreed to see her. I knew, in my heart, that the non-date was going to suck. I'd seen her on her webcam, and she wasn't that cute, plus she was boring. I didn't dress sexy. I wore my old Calvin Klein shirt, twisted jeans and loafers. I looked decent. I walked to her place, not a bit nervous because I had zero expectations. She was waiting for me in her driveway. I was surprised-- she was actually cute, with a head a bit too small for her body, but still okay-looking. I notice weird stuff like that. She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, then I complimented her on her outfit. We walked up to her place, where her friends were sleeping from a long day of partying. They'd spent the weekend there. The house was on the edge of town, by the forest, so she suggested going out on the terrace for a bit. It was quite romantic. She casually smoked a cigarette while we talked, the wind whipping through her hair and making a silent yet at the same time loud hissing through the trees. We retired to the living room when it got too cold and watched V Graham Norton on the couch, very close to each other, covered in a blanket. It was very cozy, and she didn't try to touch me, which I was thankful for. I may be a slut, but I'm funny about girls moving too fast. It just turns me off. Besides, at that point in the evening, I wasn't even sure if I wanted her to touch me. The evening took a turn for the worse when her friends woke up and wanted to go out to town. I didn't. I thought we were going to chill and drink at the house-- I wasn't prepared for a night on the town. And my shoes were giving me blisters. I also wanted to spend time alone with Alex, get to know her better. I told her I didn't feel like going out, thinking I was giving her the golden oppurtunity to have the place alone with me. And you know what she said? "I'm gonna go out with them." I was crushed. For all she knew, I was offering her sex if she stayed behind. I thought, "Well, obviously she doesn't like me. The evening has turned to shit." And I excused myself to go to the bathroom. In a fucking BAD mood, I returned to the living room, where Alex was politely waiting for me on the couch. She must've sensed my moodiness because she kept asking me if I was all right. I was pissed. I wanted to go home, stop by the Spa and get chocolate, go home and listen to my Rain and Thunder CD, and just cry. Cry because my dating attempts were fruitless. But then, miraculously, Alex said, "I really would like you to go out with us." I smiled, almost changing my mind. But the last thing I wanted to do was go out to a bar. I said, still smiling, "I'm just not into going out tonight." She nodded understandingly and said, "Well, you know, we can do this next weekend." I brightened and said, "Yeah?" She nodded. "Yeah. You can come here, I can make you dinner. I'll make it really special." This time I choked back a sob. I was really touched. It was just what I needed. Getting that second date is harder than the first. She walked me down the road, we hugged and non-sexually kissed (on the cheek). She said, "I can't wait to see you again." I pulled back from her and said, "Me too." I walked home, giddy. I don't know if I feel sparks with Alex. It's too soon to say. But she's dateable, and that's all I need right now. 
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