7:09 p.m. - 2003-01-09
I'm Okay When Everything Is Not Okay
On the surface, everything is going well. I've been complimented by my mean, intimidating boss more than once, I scored a 96 on an exam, I'm definitely getting a converter for my GameCube for my birthday. On the inside, I'm falling apart. I wake up every morning, wanting something drastic to happen, like not being to go to University because I've gotten into a train accident. I'm beginning to feel the toll of my University obligation, and it's making me ill.

I like University. But I hate going. This is the first time I've felt like this, and the obligation of having to go everyday is doing something weird to me, mentally.

I'm a busy boy, a very busy boy. When it's not work, it's University. When it's not University, it's studying. And I like being busy. See... I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. When I left school, I was miserable because I was bored, and the boredom led to depression. Now that I'm busy, I'm also anxious because I have this obligation to show up for University everyday. I'm having trouble existing as a regular, functioning adult with normal responsibilites. I really need a source of relief.

Part of me wants to quit University, and go off and do my own thing. I want to stay at University, but the extra work, that I didn't know I would be doing, is what is causing all of the problems. The other, distant part, wants to do well at University, get promoted at work, make lots of money and buy my own place.

I think, for now, I'll eat some chocolate.

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