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11:25 p.m. - 2002-12-11 Basically, the message I got was: Think positive thoughts. If you think badly of people, bad things will happen. Have faith. If you keep telling yourself, night after night, just as you're about to go to sleep that such and such will happen, it will happen. If however, in the back of your mind, you don't believe it will, it won't. It's the "back of the mind" thing I'm still having issues with. I've realised that I force myself to think badly of people, because that's what you're *supposed* to do when you've been treated like shit. In spite of all that has happened with the e.com people, I still try to think positively about them. I try to wish them well, I try to not think badly of them. This is a lot harder than it seems, especially when you know they're not thinking that way about you. I've been rewarding myself for positive thinking. If as I drift of to sleep, I wish that the e.com lot has a good day the next day, I will buy myself something. This makes it easier. If I go a whole week without thinking badly about anyone, I will buy myself a new shirt. I've been trying to "reward" myself with these promises of gifts etc., but it dawned on me that I don't really mean any of these positive thoughts. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. If the e.com people dropped down dead, I honestly wouldn't care. I don't know. Maybe I'm just naturally nasty. Life is passing me by. 
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